Sober in a Drunk World

How do you navigate a culture that revolves entirely around the next drink? In this episode, I dive into the reality of being sober in a drunk world, exploring why I was addicted to the entire pub lifestyle just as much as the alcohol itself.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Thank you for joining me for episode two of Sober Horizons. Um, this episode is called Sober in a Drunk World and it's all about the pub. I always describe my addictions as being addicted to alcohol, class A drugs, and the pub. And people always look a bit surprised when I say the pub because you know it's not a physical addiction. But for me, the pub, it was where I felt a sense of belonging. It's where I got connection, you know. And if it if addiction's the opposite of connection, then you can see why so many people in addiction just kind of live in the pub. I certainly did. You know, over the years of my drinking, from the age of 18 onwards, I became quite sort of well known in the pub world in my hometown, you know. I wasn't like the big I am hard man or anything, but I was I I had I had had a drink in pretty much every pub in the town, and I knew at least one person in every pub. I was one of them. I was kind of uh a popular loner, if you like. You know, I I I had a lot of acquaintances, but I was quite happy doing my own thing. Um and I I just loved, I loved going into a pub, knowing kind of where to sit, I knew what to do. Um it was something that was just really easy. Um and that, like I say, that sense of connection that I got, um, I couldn't really get anywhere else, you know. I mean, yeah, I was connected to the substances I was using, but that didn't really cut it for me. You know, I craved people wanting me and wanting to talk to me and that community feel. I was addicted to the atmosphere. I was addicted to going on the jukebox, I was addicted to playing dance, I was addicted to the banter, I hate that word, but I was. I used to have this really kind of good sense of going into a pub I'd never been into before, and I knew kind of who to talk to and who to, you know, you strike up a conversation with that person and get to know the bar staff, and it was it was almost like an art form. And I was quite proud of how I did it and how I conducted myself. I mean, obviously the the social lubricant that is alcohol helped help me along the way, and the trouble was with me, if I carried on drinking, that charm would turn into just being totally obnoxious. Um, and I got barred from my fair share, unfortunately, particularly uh when I first turned 18, 18, 19, 20, you know, throwing my weight around just being an absolute wally. Try and watch my language. Um, so yeah, the pub for me and for just kind of British people, it's just that central hub, you know. And I I come from, you know, an Irish Catholic family. So a lot of my, particularly my extended family, it's it's still kind of ingrained in what we do, you know. And where they were my extended family, I didn't see them that much. So I connected with them through the pub, you know, very much the old school Sunday lunchtime drinkers, you know, we'd all meet at the same place. I used to work behind the bar there for a time, actually. Play pool for like two or three hours, and then it would close again. It was a real kind of old school community centre, and I did that for a very long time. I remember working, particularly in the factory. Um, and as Friday got closer, and I'm talking about a time when I was kind of functioning, whatever that means, uh barely function, I should say. Um, Friday would get closer. I hadn't had a drink since, you know, the probably the Monday morning. Um, and my mouth would actually water at the thought of going to the pub, you know, I'd get excited, you know, it would be Thursday, and I'd think, yep, pub tomorrow, great, great, great. And then Friday morning, um, I'd be I'd be watching the watching the clock next to my machine that I was working on, and I could not wait to get out. And we used to finish at 12 o'clock on a Friday. I couldn't wait to get out, get back to Cheltenham because I was working in in Gloucester at the time, get back to Cheltenham, get straight in the pub. Quite often in my work gear, I'd have my my boiler suit on and my um steel toe cap boots, you know, and I'd I'd get in the pub, quite often get my hair cut as well, just over the road from the pub, go back in the pub, have a couple more pints, drive home because drink driving didn't bother me back then, um, which was obviously reckless, and I'm lucky not to have hurt anyone or myself, you know. Um, but that was a that was a weekly thing. I didn't bat an eyelid back then, which is which is sad. Um but yeah, I'd I'd get back home, have a shower, you know, I'd look all fresh from my haircut, um, stick on my best clothes. I didn't have many clothes back then because all my money went on the pub. Um, and then get back out. Obviously get a taxi back into town. I wasn't that reckless most of the time anyway. Get a taxi back into town, get in the pub, and I'd already had that bit of kind of Dutch courage. Because I think that's why I went straight to the pub, because it was quiet, I could have a few pints, get that confidence, and then when I went back in later when it was busier, it didn't matter, you know. Um, and then I would stay in the pub pretty much, obviously apart from closing time, um, until that kind of Sunday night. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, drink, drink, drink, drugs in between to keep me awake. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. When the pub closed, I'd go to a friend's house or a flat and carry on drinking and drugging, and then I'd wait for kind of seven o'clock in the morning on like the Saturday and the Sunday, get a taxi and go back to Weatherspoons, because Weatherspoons was the place where uh would be open very early, and I'd carry on drinking. And I remember those times on a Sunday morning. I'd go in, I'd be I'd be the youngest one in there drinking. There'd sometimes be families there having breakfasts, and you know, their parents would be drinking coffee like you know, normal people, I suppose. Uh, and I'd be sat there with my pint, sometimes holding my nose to drink it, you know, because I was the worst alcoholic in the world. I I hated the taste of alcohol, absolutely hated it. Um, so it was a real struggle to get through those first few pints, you know. Even if I'd been drinking all night, as soon as you went in the pub, I quite often had to have like a couple of shots or something or a or a double whiskey and coke just to get me going again at seven, eight, nine in the morning. Um, and I I remember on a Sunday I learned very quickly not to say good morning to people in weather spoons because I said it once to a couple of old boys. I used to sit with them, and obviously they'd be drinking from eight, nine in the morning, and I'd say, morning, you alright? And they'd say no, because I I don't think they wanted me to highlight the fact that it was the morning. Um, so yeah, I learned very quickly not to say good morning to people. When I left rehab, I remember coming out, and it had worried me during my time in rehab, but coming out and being absolutely I wouldn't say terrified, I was a little bit scared, but I was just totally confused. I did not know how to live without the pub. You know, not just alcohol, but without the pub. Like how it didn't, I it wasn't computing in my mind. How on earth can anyone go the rest of their lives without having a drink, but without going to the pub? I didn't get it. And during that time in early recovery, um, I tried to cling on to my old life so much. I went to the same pub that I had drank in for a few years, you know, my kind of regular, regular pub. And I went there every single day in early recovery, just for a J2O and maybe a bit of lunch as well. But I went there just because it was all I ever knew. I say all I ever knew. I mean, I didn't grow up in pubs. My mum and dad, for example, you know, when I was growing up, they they both like a drink, but not to excess. And they they weren't ever people that went down the pub, not when they had me and my brother anyway. I'm sure in their in their younger days they did. But it wasn't something that had been kind of drilled into me during my early life. But from 18 to 27, it was all I knew. It was something that I relied on. I I felt like I was almost dependent on. Um, and to to unlearn that and learn recovery was I knew was going to be a real challenge. I didn't know how to navigate life without having the pub kind of threaded in somewhere, even if it was just once a week or something. Um so I struggled. I struggled in the early days. Looking back now, thinking I went to a pub filled with alcohol for a J2O, you know, for however many months, first few months of my recovery, probably, I it it's it's baffling to look back now and know what I know now. It was it just just totally bizarre. It it's um it was dangerous. I mean, I never say to people, you know, you can never go to the pub again, even though that's what I thought when I left rehab. I never say to people, you can never go to the pub again. You can you can go to the pub as long as it's not centered around drinking, and as long as you're not just there all the time. I mean, pot, kettle, black with me. I know that there is more to life than the pub, of course there is, but I also know that putting yourself in a in a dangerous situation like that, and I'm not being dramatic when I say dangerous, because I mean relapse is is it's life or death, recovery is life or death. So to go there every day, stupid. Um I think I can see why I was doing it now. I can see that I was lost and confused, and kind of I did 28 days treatment, and then I'm just kind of expected to be like, you know, here we go, you're fixed. It's it's not like that. Recovery, especially early recovery, is a roller coaster of um emotions, feelings coming back, feelings that you actually feel instead of being numbed by by alcohol, um, and a lot of loneliness. Um, I went from can't wait till Friday to I'm dreading the weekend, because that is when the thoughts come into my head. Um, you know, because like I say, having to unlearn and learn new stuff was a real challenge. I remember for for a long time in my early recovery, um, when I did come home, because I I I lost my flat while I was in rehab, so I moved back in with my mum and dad. And I remember coming home to their house, and like I wouldn't take my jacket off. I'd I'd kind of sit down on the sofa and I'd sort of sit on the edge of the the edge of the seat, you know, because it felt like the best way I can describe it is unfinished business. It was a real strange feeling. Like I I felt like because I was sober, I had to go back out and come back and try again almost, you know? Because I never came home sober before. Like not for a very long time, anyway, very, very rarely, you know. Most of the time when I came home, I was drunk or under the influence of something. So that took a while. I had to change the way I thought of weekends. You know, when I came home, it was about checking in by myself. How am I feeling? Why am I feeling like this? I feel that unfinished business left me feeling really uneasy, quite stressed out at times. Because I thought, well, I've got to go back out there, I've got to go, you know, it's almost instinctive. So if you have an old rusty car that's been in the garage for God knows how long, if you go out there and try and start it again, so imagine that is your recovery. It's gonna be a bit clunky, it's gonna take a little bit of time to get going, but stick with it. There's nothing wrong with the car, it will get going. You have to have patience and a bit of perseverance. Nothing is gonna come to you overnight. And if you kind of fast forward to the now, I'm nearly seven years, so I will be, I'll be seven years later this month. Um, I can quite easily go into a pub. I never, I never really plan to go to a pub. I wouldn't want to go to a pub, but like by choice. Um, no, I tell a lie. If I want a nice lunch, nice pub lunch, brilliant. And I really like having a pint of coke or a Pepsi from from a pub. I think it tastes good. And it's almost like a special treat because I I try to stick to water most of the time. Um, but you go there, you have a nice meal, you'll be with someone, they may be drinking. It doesn't matter to me anyway. You know, I'm seven years in, I've got a pretty solid recovery. If they want to have a pint in front of me, that's absolutely fine. If it's on a Friday lunchtime or a Saturday lunchtime, if it's a Friday night and they're getting the Jaeger bombs in and the gin and tonics are flowing and this, that, and the other, I don't want to be there. I know that. I know that from experience, and I know that that is a dangerous situation to be in where I will be triggered. And after a trigger comes a craving, after a craving comes an urge, and then you've got the choice when you're really heightened, uh, you've got a choice to make, relapse or not. Now, I don't want to be in that position where it's gone as far as trigger, craving, urge, and I am having to make that choice. It should by now come naturally to me to avoid those places in the first place. And it does, you know. Um, quite often, I if if if I'm walking down the road and I see a pub in the distance, even today, seven years on, I know the sound of clinking glasses and laughter and the smell from from pubs, just you know, that that waft of smell you get when you walk past. It can still trigger me a little bit, you know, not to the point where you know I'm I'm like a magnet going into the pub and I'm you know I'm I'm ordering a pint and it's it's um I've gone too far. Not at all, but it's still quite unpleasant for me because I think, oh, I remember them days, and then I start to romanticize and fall into that trap of thinking, yeah, it wasn't that bad. But then I play the tape forward. Playing the tape forward, a fantastic tool to use. It's something I use all the time. Whenever I think about how good it got, or how good it was in active addiction, which it wasn't on the whole, I play the tape forward. I think, yeah, it was brilliant, had a few pints, got on the karaoke, made a bit of a prat of myself, but then, and I play the tape forward, but then I had the hangover, the anxiety, as they call it. I owed a drug dealer X amount of money, I've got a tab at that bar, this, that, and the other. Because that's the reality. I never shy away from the fact that I had wonderful times in active addiction. I had amazing times in active addiction, some incredible stories to tell you, which I won't, because this won't be very helpful. But I also I'm also aware of how my addictions ruined my life and could have killed me, and very nearly did on multiple occasions. I know that now, looking back. If you start fixating on all the good times and romanticize about that amazing night out, that great lad's holiday, whatever else, you're gonna, you're gonna fall into that trap of thinking that was the reality. And maybe it was for you. Maybe you didn't have any negative consequences, or were you really an addiction? If you had no negative consequences, go out there and do it again. Why not? If I had no negative consequences of my drinking, I would be out there doing it all day, every day. But the fact is, I had a lot of negative consequences, serious consequences, and that is what stops me from having a drink or a drug today. And I want to talk about now the gifts of recovery because I don't want to end on a negative, so I'll talk about the real positives of recovery. Um, like I say, I am able today to go into a pub, have a normal pub lunch, have a normal kind of uh social life where I can nip in and out of pubs if I want to, but it's not the center of my universe anymore. It really isn't. As much as I miss it at times, I miss that instant connection where you could just go in, have connection, great. But I don't miss not having to work for it. Now, I'm not saying you have to work for connection all the time, but I like the fact that going out into the countryside and really being mindful of where you are, for example, the countryside is just one example. Um it's taken some effort. You know, you've gone out there and you've really kind of connected with nature. Now, that's the kind of connection that I want these days: nature, people, like-minded people, and connection with myself, most importantly. Now, I'll probably mention the four pillars of connection um every podcast I do because it is so important to me. I've actually got a section of my in my recovery workbook that I've recently published, um, which are like kind of practical exercises to help you overcome addiction. Um, but the four pillars of connection is something that I really, really bang on about. It is so important. Like-minded people, you'll find them at meetings, sober groups, whatever, rehab if you're lucky enough to go. Uh, people in general, you know, join a running club, uh, a knitting club, whatever. You'll meet people there. They're not necessarily like-minded in a sense that they're they're struggling with addiction or in recovery, but they're like-minded in a sense that they're doing something that you want to do as well. You know, they might have problems with addiction, that's fine. You know, they're probably not going to be necking a glass of Chardonnay when they're running a 10K. Do you know what I mean? So that's just a separate part of them. But you're connecting with a person. So you've got like-minded people, people, nature, which I've just mentioned, going out, taking notice, being mindful. We've got a beautiful world. We live in a beautiful world. You've got parks, countryside, public footpaths, just going outside and in the outdoors and just enjoying it, you know, soaking it all up. Um, and then you've got connection with yourself, and that's the most important one. Because all the ones that I just mentioned don't really matter to me, anyway, if you've not connected with yourself. That connection with yourself, you can get that through lots of things, you know, exploring new passions where you'll meet new people, for example, you know, because connection with yourself connects with a lot of others as well, it's all intertwined. Um, connecting with yourself, you can do that by going out into nature, you know, and meditating, journaling, gratitude lists, you know, these are tools of recovery as well. Um, connection with yourself is just so important. Who are you? Uh who is the authentic you? You know, we're we're trying to be sober in a drunk world, so let's focus on ourselves for now, and then the rest will fall into place. Because society is filled with alcohol adverts. Um, you can pick up drugs on any street corner, it's everywhere, but particularly alcohol, you know. Um, and like I was saying at the beginning, every kind of social event is geared up for alcohol or to have alcohol there. Um I'll actually talk about now briefly my first sober wedding. Now, my first sober wedding was uncomfortable, shall we say? During active addiction, um, do you know the old expression, always the bridesmaid, never the bride? I was always the evening do, never the wedding, because I was a I was a nightmare when I was drinking, I was always drinking, taking lots of drugs. People didn't want me at their weddings, but they kind of let me come to the evening do. And they thought, well, if he comes to the wedding, he's gonna be smashed by the evening do, so we'll just invite him to the evening do. But anyway, one of the gifts of recovery, um, especially in early recovery, was I got my first like wedding invitation, and I was actually invited to the whole thing. Now, unfortunately, like I mentioned earlier, uh, I didn't have a driving license, so I had to rely on lifts. I had a lift there, I sat there, had a lovely meal. Um, you know, the people on my table were drinking, which was fine. It was it was manageable for me then. Um, I'm I was I about I think I was about three to six months in recovery. So I was it was very, very early days in a very dangerous position to be in. And as the day went on, it was very nice, you know, starter, main course, dessert. I really enjoyed the food. I was focusing on that, but I got everything right. I did everything you're not supposed to do. So when you go to your kind of first wedding, funeral, whatever in recovery, you need to have things like an escape plan, an excuse to leave, something to say when someone offers you a drink. You know, it's just so it comes, it's second nature to you, you know? Because you'll be surprised. It might sound really easy, but when someone says, Do you want a pint? If you haven't thought of something to say, sometimes it can be a little bit overwhelming because, and as daft as that sounds, because like you're thinking in your head's probably, well, I'll just say no, thank you. But it's not like that for someone in recovery, you know. In your head, you're going through all this stuff, like, oh, what do I say? How much do I tell them? Do I tell them I've just come out of rehab? Do I tell them I had a drink problem? Do I say no thank you? Um, so anyway, I sat there all day, lovely day, and we went out and we did the photos um for the bride and groom and all the guests and everything, and it was a nice day. Uh, the trouble was I was not comfortable there at all. As grateful as I was for the invitation, I wasn't comfortable. Loads of people around. It was my first experience of being in a crowded place without alcohol inside me, which even the thought of now is is not ideal. I'm much better now. You know, you kind of get used to it. It's a longer process in recovery, but you do get used to it. Um, surrounded by so many people I didn't know, had never met, as the day went on and the drinks were flowing, people started to repeat themselves. I was on like my fourth or fifth J2O, so I had heartburn and I wasn't probably the best company anyway. Um, I was sat right in the middle of the of the kind of venue, um, eating. So I wasn't like next to a door where I could sort of like nip out and just pretend to be on my phone or something like that, just to give myself a breather, which is something that I would advise people to do in recover early recovery. Um, I had none of those things, and I did not have that escape plan because I wasn't driving at the time. Um, and the lady who was giving me a lift home wanted to, and she wasn't drinking, she wanted to have spend the whole day at the wedding and also watch the first dance at the in the evening, do which which is fine, you know, and kind of normal people want to do that. But I was stood there and I was thinking, oh my god, I just want to go, I just want to go, I just want to go. And I stayed in that really dangerous triggering environment just because I I didn't want to kind of upset anyone, you know. I could have got a taxi home, probably would have cost me a fair bit. But looking back, if if it means I wasn't gonna relapse, just pay it, or even the risk of relapse, just pay it, find a way, um, or get um a family member or a friend to come and pick you up, you know. And what's the worst that's gonna happen if the bride and groom like are a bit annoyed at you for leaving the wedding early? If they know you well enough to invite you to the wedding, they probably know you well enough, which the bride and groom did in my case, they probably know you well enough to understand. And even if they get in a bit of a mood because you left early, they will get over it. Let's face it. Um, they will come round to the to the whole thing, you know, because your recovery must come first. Um, when I think back to the dangerous situations I put myself in recovery, it's it's madness. It really is. There was absolutely no reason for me to do half the things I did in early recovery. And now, if someone invites me to a wedding, yep, great. I'm I'm in a place now, solid recovery, I've got tools in my toolbox, that sort of thing. I know that one drink or drug will tip me over the edge. I know that. But I have come to a place where it's not my go-to thought anymore. And that's a that's a real win for me. And I'm gonna talk about that in another episode about when I realize that, you know, the kind of day I really realize that. Um, and it's a real liberating feeling because for so long it's been that me-jirt reaction. Whatever you, whatever feeling you feel, you've got to kind of either enhance it because you get good feelings as well, enhance it with a drink, or if it's a bad feeling, you've got to drown your sorrows and make it better with a drink, you know. I'm in a place in my life now where it's not the first thought on my mind, and that is a real win for me. Um, and I'm happy that I've got to this place. I never imagined in a million years, let alone seven, that I would get to this place. Um, but like I say, we'll talk more about that in another episode. Um, but there are so many gifts of recovery, there are so many things um, you know, that that kind of spur me on now. You know, I've got my family, I've got my new business, I'm sober coaching, I've got a job that I really love and enjoy, I've got all this stuff, and I mean it's such an incentive not to drink because I know that I I mean, best case scenario, if I had a drink, best case scenario, I'd still be around for my son, um, but I wouldn't be the father that he wants or needs. I wouldn't be present, and no matter how much you think you're present when you're when you've had a drink, you are not. You know, I've seen it before, and I see it all the time in my work. Kids are more clever than you think. You know, they're not daft. Um, but anyway, I'm gonna call it a day there. Uh, thank you so much for joining me um for episode two, Sober in a Drunk World, and I hope you can join me next week for another one. Thank you.