The Smoke & Mirrors of Addiction

I’m pulling back the curtain on the heavy over-compensating people do in public, alongside the darker psychological tactics like tactical compliance and blatant gaslighting used to protect a habit.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re losing your mind trying to spot the signs in someone you love, or if you remember the sheer exhaustion of keeping those secrets yourself, this one is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Thank you for joining me for episode three of Sober Horizons. Now, this episode is called The Smoke and Mirrors of Addiction. Um, a lady got in contact with me through my Endless Possibilities page on Facebook, and she said, I would be interested in your opinion on signs of early addiction and how people try to hide it. And I thought, yes, that is that is a good episode to do because people who don't necessarily know that much about addiction can be can be fooled by the addict, the alcoholic's um tactics, you know. And instantly when when she posted this comment um on Facebook, I instantly thought of a lady I used to serve in in the shop I worked in many years ago while I was in active addiction. And I remember this lady used to come into the shop, and every time she came in, she'd, you know, buy little bits and bobs, and then without fail, two or three bottles of wine, and then two or three gift bags to go with them. And I remember thinking at the time, I I could sense from her kind of nervous energy and the small talk that she was making, you know, and kind of almost distracting me from the wine, um, or telling me, you know, oh, I've got I've got three birthdays this week, and you know, I had to get three gift bags, blah, blah, blah. I could see through it only because she was doing it quite frequently, you know. And to be fair, I I reckon she was probably going to other shops as well and probably doing the same thing there. But I remember being able to see through it then. Um, and then years later, after working in addiction for quite some time, I would actually hear about that tactic quite a lot. You know, I had a client some time ago saying that um she she ended up with like a drawer in the kitchen full of gift bags from where she had been to Tesco so many times and got so many bottles of wine. And I I remembered that lady I used to serve. Um, and and it's it's the lengths that we go to as addicts, as alcoholics, um are just fascinating. That I I find it fascinating, the human behavior behind it. You know, it's that kind of defense, uh, I'm not that bad, you know, back off sort of thing. Now, I was a shop assistant at the time. I wasn't gonna, you know, start an intervention with this lady or anything like that. I I probably wasn't even gonna judge her, you know, because I was drinking at the time. But no, I I I tell a lie. I probably did judge in a way, and that kind of helped me in my addiction because I thought, well, I'm not as bad as her, you know, the lengths that she's going to to kind of to hide her her habit. Um, but I mean back then I was quite open about my my drinking, you know. I almost saw it as a badge of honour the fact that I I went down the pub all the time and this, that, and the other. Um, but yeah, that that wine bag scenario is something that will always stick in my mind. Now, other ways that people can kind of hide their addictions. Um you know, addicts are extremely manipulative, and you've got to think of addiction as almost like uh survival. Nothing can get in the way of that addict getting their cider or their drugs or whatever, their bottle of wine. It it is it is survival. Um, I remember this, you know, from experience, of course, and I'll I'll draw on my own experiences a lot in this episode, as I normally do. Um one of the things I used to do to show people I wasn't that bad, um, particularly in the winter when I'd be wearing like a big coat walking into town or whatever, I used to quite often get, you know, four cans of cider from the shop, and I would neck them in the in the half an hour walk uh to the pub. Now I did this for kind of two reasons. I didn't have much money at the time, so getting that kind of head start, it meant that I didn't have to buy as many pints in the pub. But number two, it meant that nobody knew how much I was drinking. And when I got to the pub, I just had that kind of, you know, the social lubricant inside me, giving me all that confidence. Um, and people didn't didn't just put it down to drinking because I'd only just got there. As far as those people were concerned, I hadn't touched a drop. You know, that pint that I was ordering at the bar was my first pint. Um, and I I think I had them fooled, you know. Admittedly, I was going to a pub, so lots of people obviously under the influence, and they probably wouldn't have noticed anyway, or they may not have been looking. Um, but to me, that was uh that was me hiding the volume of what I was drinking. Another uh tactic I used to use quite often was clearing the evidence. Now, clearing the evidence, it sounds pretty obvious, but if you notice people um maybe cleaning a bit too much, being a bit too particular, almost overcompensating for their behavior, um that's always something to be suspicious about, I find, you know. Um, you know, hiding wine bottles, hiding um wraps from drug use, you know, that's all kind of obvious stuff. Um or spending lots of time going down to the to the bottle bank or the recycling bin down the bottom of the garden, you know. Um, those are quite obvious things. But when it's becoming, you know, slipping three bottles out of the six, you know, in the in the normal bin and then putting a bin liner on top, that's when it's getting, you know, quite serious, I would say. And there's lots of ways that the addict can kind of manipulate their loved ones into thinking everything's okay. And uh, you know, addiction, it's it's sly, it's uh uh sneaky, it's just so manipulative. And when someone is in active addiction, they will do anything to back people off. Um, you've got gaslighting. Now, gaslighting, it's a real it's a real cruel manipulation tactic that I used many, many, many times with my loved ones, particularly like my mum, for example. I mean, my mum could have photographic evidence of me sniffing a line of coke, you know, with a bottle of vodka in the other hand. Do you know what I mean? And and I I would I would look at that picture and I would swear blind, nope, that's not me. No, that's uh that's photoshopped, you know. I I'd turn it around on her, you know, she she might say, Oh Matt, you were slurring your words a lot last night. You know, I I think you you know you need to slow down on the drink, this, that, and the other. And I'd say, oh no, no, I was I'm stressed at the moment, I'm tired from work, this, you know, all the excuses under the sun. And I turn it around so she would think, or any of my loved ones would think, oh, actually, hang on a minute. Uh maybe maybe I'm going a bit too hard on that. Maybe maybe I am going mad, you know. And that is it's a really cruel tactic because that poor individual, whoever it may be, is now questioning their own sanity because you've been clever enough to turn it around, you know, for a drink or a drug. Honestly, it's it's baffling. Looking back now, the effort that I I particularly went to to back people off, you know, and say, nope, my drinking is mine, and almost defend it with with armour. Another way is compliance, and this is quite cruel as well. I mean, all of these manipulative tactics are quite cruel for the for the people on the other side of things. Um, but compliance, it's it's almost a last resort, you know. If someone sat down with me and said, Matt, I think you've got a problem, I want you to get help. I'd I'd I'd say, Yeah, I I know, I know, I I really need some help. Um, I know I'm drinking right now, but I've been googling rehabs, I've been googling the local drug and alcohol service. You know, I'm I'm trying really hard, honestly. Just give me a break, that kind of thing. And quite often the people would. You know, I had friends approach me about my using, and oh yeah, I know, I know, I've been hitting it too hard recently, this, that, and the other. And it would back them off for a short time. And, you know, compliance, the reason it's a last resort is because, you know, um you're you're pretending to want to do something about it. And maybe deep down you do, or maybe you do, but the addiction kind of in my case anyway, it takes a hold. I mean, I remember going back to 2016, 2017. I mean, I got clean and sober in 2019, but the first time I reached out for help, about 2016, I think, um, I came clean to my mum about what I was doing. Uh, not the full extent, because you know, I still had to kind of um look after my addiction in some way, because you know, that addict inside of me was saying, Well, don't tell her everything. Do you know what I mean? It was that little voice. Um, and I kind of came clean to an extent, and you know, she was really proud of me. Obviously, she was upset that she hadn't noticed. Um, and I I booked, and I think the next day I booked an appointment for Turning Point, which was the local drug and alcohol service uh in my area at the time. And of course, I had to be under the influence to phone them because, you know, a bit of kind of Dutch courage. Um, not sure what the equivalent is for MDMA because that was what I was on when I when I phoned them. But I I phoned them up, I said I had a problem. Um a lady was very kind to me on the phone. She she kind of uh booked me an appointment there and then. I agreed to go. I went to the appointment, I had a key worker, I was sat in this kind of waiting room, which was really bizarre because I was kind of half sober and I was very nervous. I think I I had my hood up. Um, I had like a grey tracksuit on, I had my hood up so no one would see me. And then, of course, I saw lots of people I knew, um, because that's that was the place where people would come for their you know, uh methadone script and things like that. And obviously, I was kind of associated with these people at the time. Um, but anyway, I had my appointment. Uh, I can't remember the lady's name, but she seemed really nice. She spoke to me. I I didn't feel alone in how I was thinking. I think she was in recovery herself. Um, she didn't tell me that, but I kind of got that vibe. Um, and yeah, we could I kind of talked through my problems. Um, and she booked me an appointment for the next week and the next week and the next week. But I wasn't ready to give up then. Um, although I had made that initial call, and even though, you know, when I got drunk, I'd think, oh, I need help, I need help, I need help, I'd sober up, wouldn't be able to face the world as usual, and then drink again. Oh, I need help, I need help, I need help. It was that kind of vicious cycle. Um, and yeah, I stayed, I stayed with turning point for a good sort of few weeks, months, whatever. Um, I think I had three keyworkers while I was there because nobody could really get through to me. Um, but I was going and I was even manipulating the keyworkers because I had one bloke, my final key worker, and we'd go in and I mean the the king's arms was round the corner of turning point. So I used to go in there. I used to always kind of hope that my appointment with the key worker was in the afternoon, so the pub would be open, I could have a couple of pints, a bit of Dutch courage, and then go to my appointment. And and I used to I used to lie to them, you know, they'd say that they must have smelt the alcohol on me. They must have done. But I used to say, you know, oh, I've I've I've knocked the I've knocked the class A's on the head, I'm not doing that anymore, uh, which I which I still was, um, and I'm just having a couple of drinks now, you know. I I'm I'm definitely not an alcoholic, you know, I can moderate this, that, and the other. And they used to like nod along and and and and I I had them fooled, or they just couldn't do anything with me. So I remember on my last appointment with my keyworker, he said, you know, oh you've you've done fantastically. I'm gonna, you know, sign you off now so you don't have to keep going back to appointments. Is there anything else we can do for you? And I was like, no, no, absolutely not. It's no, it's fine, thank you. And I kind of left a smile on my face, thinking that I was I was okay, but I wasn't okay. Now, that's not a criticism on turning point. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think a couple of my key workers there, they probably could have challenged me a bit more, perhaps. But the thing is with getting help, it's like counseling or sober coaching, what I do now. If the person that you're dealing with, the client, the service user, whatever you want to call them, is lying, then you're not going to be able to help them. That there has to be a certain level of honesty coming from the person asking for help. Because if if there's not, what can you actually do? You know, I I could have lied my way through it and you know, not achieved anything like I did. And it's really sad because I could have got help there and then, but I kind of just got sucked into that that murky world of addiction again. You know, my I kind of tested the water with my foot and was just dragged back in. Um I j I just wasn't ready at that time, and it's it's a big regret of mine, really. Um, although my life now is great, and I and I like to think I wouldn't change anything about my past because obviously it's it's it's brought me to where I am today, which I'm very happy with. But I still kind of think, what if, what if I had got clean and sober, you know, two or three years before I actually did. Maybe I'd be a lot better off in life. But who knows? Who knows? Um, and I've just thought of another one, just thought of another tactic. I'm reading them off now, aren't I? Uh projected blame. Now, projected blame is when you confront someone about their addiction or whatever you see, their behaviours, and they turn it around on you. Now, not in a kind of gaslighting way, but more of a way where, oh, well, of course I'm drinking, of course I'm drinking, it's all your fault, it's all it's all your fault. My childhood, this, that, and the other, you know, and thinking of a reason to blame them. And again, it's a very, very good way of backing your loved ones off because you know, it's all your fault, it's all your fault. And, you know, I've I've seen I've seen it with clients before speaking to their loved ones, and it's like venom coming out. Now, I don't think they're necessarily malicious people. Um, I think it's it's addiction's way of surviving, you know, and that's what the manipulation is and the gift bags, you know, it that's addiction thriving at that time. Um, and addiction, the addiction inside you, I believe, will do anything it takes to stay addicted to those substances and will protect themselves, you know. Um, I always describe my time in act of addiction, and even now to an extent, as having kind of two voices, two people sitting on each shoulder. You've got the good voice and the bad voice. And the good voice is the one that tells you to get up, you know, eat some healthy breakfast, look after yourself, brush your teeth, this, that, and the other. And the bad voice, the one on your other shoulder, is the one that says, nah, you haven't got a problem. You haven't got a problem, it's fine, you know. Just go out, have a few pints, enjoy yourself. Go on, ah, who cares if you have a couple of lines of coke? It's fine, it's fine. Now, in active addiction, I would constantly listen to that bad voice, you know. And I could hear it, I could hear that voice. It was, it was my voice, but just saying the wrong things, you know, the things that were keeping me really unwell. You know, there's an old saying in addiction that um addiction is the only like illness, disease, disorder, whatever you want to call it. It's the only one that convinces you you haven't got it. And it's so true. You know, for a long time, you know, there's there's denial, minimization. Oh, I haven't got a problem. No, I only go out for a few drinks. Denial. I haven't, I haven't, I haven't got a problem at all. It's fine. It's fine. Back off. These are all tactics to protect your addiction. And it's scary. You know, people, people who go to rehab are still displaying these behaviors, or local drug and alcohol service still displaying these behaviors. And it's such a shame when you're throwing them a bit of rope, you know, to pull them to shore almost, and and they're just they're not taking it. Um, and again, it's not necessarily a reflection on the help that you're or support that you're providing with that person. It's just that they're not ready. They're not ready to listen to that good voice, they're not ready to start looking after themselves and enjoying life without substances, and that can be really scary, you know. I I'd mentioned in the last episode, you know, sober in a drunk world, how scary it was for me to give up the pub and you know, let alone drinking, because you you rely on it for so long. Um, because addiction, it's the inability to cope with feelings. Now, if you can't cope with feelings or you don't want to cope with feelings, then it's quite easy to pick up a drink or drug to soothe you, you know, self-soothing. That's that's what it is. Um, when I see clients, um, whether that's for sober coaching or in the rehab where I work, you know, myself and my colleagues always say if you put as much effort into your recovery as you did your addiction, you'll be fine. You will be fine. Um it looks different for different people. You know, lots of people find recovery through meetings, whether that's 12 steps, smart, recovery dharma, other people find recovery through just just changing what needs changing. I mean, to an you do that whatever route you take, I I believe anyway, but some people do it without meetings. Uh, exploring new passions, connections, this, that, and the other, like I've said in previous episodes. Um, but if you can put all that effort into not drinking, not drugging, then you will be okay. You know, it's recovery is available for everyone. You know, it's it's how much you want it and how much action you put in, you know? Those are two kind of key ingredients to recovery. It's desire and action. You could have all the desire in the world. I really want recovery, I really want to stop drinking and drugging, but put no action in. It's not gonna work because you're not putting the action in. Now, you could have all the actions in the world, you could go to meetings, you could do this, you could do that, but not much desire. Again, it's not gonna work, not for a long time anyway, or you're certainly not gonna enjoy it if you don't if you still want to do it. Um so you've got to have them both. I'm not saying they both have to be 100% all the time, because sometimes each one's gonna slip, but they've both got to be up there, you know, 70, 80, 90% for recovery to work, you know. And people quite quite often say, you know, oh that the work never stops, you know, it's an uphill slog all the time, it's a daily battle, recovery. I mean, me personally, I think if recovery is a daily battle that you, you know, you fight every single day, and it's an uphill slog, and this, that, and the other, I think you're doing recovery wrong. Do you know what I mean? Like we we all have bad things that happen in life, you know. We're we're dealing with life on life's terms, as they say. I get that, you know, relationships will break down, people will pass away, and lots of other things will happen. You might lose your job. Um, those are serious life events, and I totally understand that. But if you have a good, solid recovery, then you should, in theory, be able to deal with those life events. Um, you know, I kind of measure a good recovery on not how many meetings people do or how happy they seem. I measure a good recovery on its kind of resilience. Um, you know, I've I've seen people go through awful things in their recoveries and they've they got through it. I've also seen people in so called recovery drink because it's raining outside, you know, or they they walk past a beer garden and attempted. Now, to me, that's not recovery. You might be abstinent, but that is not recovery. But that's my opinion. I mean, other people might have different views, of course, you know. But that's that's certainly the way I see it. I've I've had I've had numerous uh people die since I've been in recovery. Um and you know what? The the tool that I always talk about, playing the take forward, that tool is has helped me out through those difficult times. I think that's the one that stands out, you know. Um, going to various funerals and having a having a little thought of, you know, well, maybe I can have a drink. That'll take this kind of pain away, this or distract me from how I'm feeling, because that's what that's what I did in active addiction. I distracted myself from how I was feeling because I couldn't cope. Um, but then I play the tape forward and I think, God, what why on earth would I have a drink now and make myself feel worse? Because that's what it's gonna do. It might give me some relief at the time in the short term, but long term, absolutely not, because I'd be back in that vicious cycle. Um, the grieving process wouldn't actually happen. I'd only delay it because you know, you you have to work through that process, and work over it, under it, around it, you have to work through it. Um, so why on earth would I want to delay it? You know, and also I kind of think, you know, that that when I do have that fleeting thought of having a drink, my mind always goes to as well, you know, the life that I've built now in recovery, and everything would be taken away from me. I mean, my wife wouldn't put up with me if I had a drink now. I I just know I know I know her well enough to know she wouldn't like drunk Matt or Druggie Matt, you know. Um, that that would not last. I wouldn't be able to see my son as much as I do now, you know, because I'm in a relationship obviously with his mother. I'm married to her, um, which obviously would break my heart. And I wouldn't be the son that that the dad, sorry, that my son wants or needs, because I wouldn't be present. And these are all things to think about, and also everything that I've created, you know, I've I've built this this brand, endless possibilities, I've built a business from scratch. Um, you know, I've I've done so much work on on even just my reputation. I mean, why would I want to throw all of that away just for a drink? And how how much shame and guilt would I feel after having that first sip? I quite often think of that as well. Because I can't imagine enjoying that that that night out or whatever. Not that I probably last a night, blow me, my my tolerance is kind of so low now, I'd probably be drunk off two and a half shandies. But I I quite often think, you know, I wouldn't even enjoy it. I would not enjoy it. So short term, you're not going to enjoy it, long term, you're not going to enjoy it. So it's a pretty easy decision to make when I do, you know, think about it occasionally. Because it in I can't imagine it ever going away. I always compare it to people that smoked for like 50 years, you know, older people. And and and that quite often you'll hear them say, God, I'd love a cigarette. I would love a cigarette after not smoking for God knows how long. You know, and I and I kind of I can kind of relate that to my drinking because when I do think about it, I'd love to be sat in a beer garden on a nice hot sunny day with a with a pint and a cigarette. I'd, you know, occasionally. Um, but when that thought crosses my mind, I remember I'm not that person anymore. And then I think about what I've just said, and and I think, well, no, I wouldn't even enjoy it. I would not enjoy that. Um, so I don't do it. And if you can keep away from that kind of that first drink or drug, that's all you've got to do, really. That's the kind of the bare minimum, anyway. Um, the rest is up to you. And again, going back to that difference between abstinence and recovery. Um, anyway, I've been waffling on for quite some time now. Um, I really, I really liked that um idea for the episode, and and I urge anyone to kind of uh let me know through my Facebook page, uh my website, uh, or in the comments of like Spotify. I know there's a comment function on there, um, or any other platform you listen, listen to this on. Um, please let me know what you'd like me to kind of talk about, and hopefully you can take something positive from it. So I'm gonna call it a day there, and I'd just like to kind of reassure those listening that are on um on the other side of the addiction, you know, let that person uh face their own consequences because the more you rescue, the more you enable, the more their behaviors will continue, and the more the drinking and the drugging will continue because it's almost giving them a green light. So keep those boundaries in place, reach out to various charities, there's ad fam, addiction, family support, places like that for really good advice. Um, I can only speak from my experience, um, but keep those boundaries in place and look after yourselves, honestly, because I think the one thing worse than being an addict is being the loved one of an addict because you know you you haven't got those substances to soothe you, you know. Um, you have to deal with it totally clean and sober, like unless you are having a drink or a drug, of course. Um, but yeah, that's the under that episode. Uh, I hope you can join me next week uh when we'll be talking about some more things addiction recovery related. Thank you very much.